did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
