Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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