You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
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We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
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I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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