3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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