I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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