I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
