i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
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she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
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Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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