Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
