I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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