I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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