That's intense
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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