I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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