Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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