my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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