McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
In America we eat man semen.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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