If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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