I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
