It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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