If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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