the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
