did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
