I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
