I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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