Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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