her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
