Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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