my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
