I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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