if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
