I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
