I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
