There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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