Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize