Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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