standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
