did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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