I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
