i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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