Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
