Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
