i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
