Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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