he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My friends, they love my intelligence
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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