Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
