TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
