There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
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