you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
