My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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