hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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