i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
