i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
