i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
