Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Randomize
