aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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