I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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