i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
