dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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