Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
