she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
