laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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