Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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