so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
